I’m back. After about 2 months, I’m finally back writing. I’d like to say the last two months have just been a break for the holidays. A time where I could rest, focus on my family, the Christmas season, and align myself with God’s will. That was how it started – in my mind at least. I certainly did all those things to some extent over the past 8 weeks, but if I am really honest, (which is exactly what I strive to do here) I was scared. Every week that went on between posts left me with three emotions – anxiety, regret, and fear.

This whole writing thing is extremely new to me. I’m just a normal guy from the suburbs of Chicago. I have a regular office job, a wife, and two kids. I like to help out at my church and spend time with guys that want to know a little more about Jesus. Suddenly, I find myself trying to listen to what I believe God is calling me to do, in an area I have no business being in. I begin writing, people seem to like it, and then comes a website, Facebook, and mailing lists. It felt great. I felt like I was really obeying what God wanted me to do. I loved it.

Slowly, but surely, fear started to creep in. Feelings of inadequacy and thoughts of comparison were bouncing around in my head. I started thinking about what others would think about my writing instead of what God would think. Instead of what I felt like God was calling me to say.

As I write this, it all seems so concise. The actuality of it was nothing close to concise. It is only with the benefit of hindsight that I realize fear was controlling me. The enemy was playing games with me and was winning. He was keeping me from the keyboard. The low levels of anxiety, regret, and fear weren’t controlling my everyday life, they were just keeping me from being the best version of myself. The version that God is calling me to be. The version that God desires for me. The version that my Good Father wants for me.

Fear is a liar. You may have heard that Zach Williams song, and it is amazingly true. If you haven’t heard it, stop and Google it. Fear will stop you, steal from you, take everything from you. Most of all though, fear lies to you. It tells you things that simply aren’t true. It shifts your emotions. It undercuts you – brings out the worst in you. It also manifests itself in ways you never thought possible. Aside from anxiety, depression, and regret, it can also present as anger or addiction or even joy (false joy – but joy nonetheless). It is only when the fear is called out into the light that we can begin to deal with it.

When we bring our fears before God, the real work begins. He can handle it all. That first step can be so hard though. A lot of times, we don’t even know we are scared. The low-level feelings of fear and anxiety can eat away at us without us even realizing it. This is exactly what happened to me. It was only when I started to read a devotional given to me by my wife (100 Days to Brave – Annie F. Downs) that I began to realize the life I was living was not brave, but full of fear. My courage had been drained, and I was left with disappointment that I was carrying for no reason, without my knowledge, and without my consent.

God has used 100 Days to Brave to awaken me to His calling again, but to be honest, it still wasn’t enough. I was/am reading the devotional every day, but it was staying in my morning quiet time. Bravery wasn’t apparent in my everyday life. Seeds were being planted, but I wasn’t ready for growth yet. Until this week.

Like a seedling popping through the soil, something shifted this week. What I can only explain as a nudging by the Holy Spirit, and my heart being a little more willing, I leaned into Him. Whenever I felt like the Spirit wanted me to do something, I did it. I’m not saying I did it perfectly, and I likely missed a couple nudges because I’m me, but I tried. These promptings and follow through ended with some significant conversations with some amazing brothers in Christ. Shout out to Jimmy for not pausing a moment when I laid my heart out and it became clear that fear had a hold on me. He helped put that fear in check, showed me I’m not alone, and that God is bigger than all of it. Things I know in my heart, but so often my head needs reminding.

So, if I may encourage anyone reading this for a moment – fear has no place in your life. Even small, low-level fears. God does not want you to carry it. He has so many dreams for you, and He wants to be there for YOUR dreams. Yes, He loves your dreams as much, or more than you do. Don’t spend another moment in the dark with your fear. Shine a light on it.

Jesus – I pause to thank you for your desire to eradicate fear from our lives. Your relentless pursuit of us shines a light in the darkness – even darkness we don’t know is there. Thank you for brothers and sisters in Christ that you use to guide us and love us. I pray that if anyone reading this has feelings of fear, anxiety, or regret, that they would not keep it to themselves. Let them reach out to you and to a brother/sister to bring your light into their lives. Thank you for your grace and peace and most of all, your love. In Jesus’ Name – Amen.